PLEASE LET HIM BACK INSIDE. HE SHAVED A HALF HOUR AGO AND LOOK WHAT’S ALREADY BECOME OF HIM.
(Source: zq-tweets)
ZACH, TAKE IT FROM A DOG:
SHUT YOUR DAMN PIEHOLE.
MAN, THIS IS SO HARDCORE. COULD ANYTHING BE MORE PUNK ROCK THAN PAYING A STYLIST TO ARTFULLY STREAK SOME MANIC PANIC INTO YOUR FAUXHAWK? AND THEN GOING TO A GALA WHERE EVERYONE’S PERSONAL NET WORTH IS OVER FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS?
noah, come on. the theme was punk.
AND YOU NAILED IT, BRO. LOOK AT THAT SNEER. YOU’RE LIKE A SWARTHY BILLY IDOL, MOONLIGHTING AS A CATER-WAITER. ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HEAD BANG OR WILL THAT MESS UP YOUR HAIR? TO ROCK OUT OR NOT TO ROCK OUT? THAT IS THE QUESTION.
okay, okay. i’m not punk rock. we all get it.
WHAT??? AS IF ANYTHING ON EARTH COULD BE MORE PUNK ROCK THAN A WHITE COLLARED SHIRT AND A SILK VEST. IT’S COOL, MAN. I’LL PUT ON MY SPIKED DOG COLLAR, CRANK SOME TUNES, AND WE’LL RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOREVER.
i can’t win.
“rosé colored glasses.” (x)
NOT PICTURED: HIS REAL GLASSES, IN A PILE OF JEALOUSY-LADEN DOG POOP.
(Source: thetendershark)
THIS IS SIZE DISCRIMINATION.
sorry, noah. i’d get you a bigger bag but i don’t think it would meet the carry-on luggage requirements.
ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? YOU’RE NO SPRING CHICKEN YOURSELF. WELL, EXCEPT FOR YOUR HAIR. THAT IS SOME CHICKEN-LIKE HAIR YOU’RE SPORTING THESE DAYS. THE CHICKEN HAS COME HOME TO ROOST.
…were you only complaining in order to insult my hair in a roundabout fashion?
LAY ME AN EGG, CHICKEN LITTLE.
DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD SO I TRIED TO BURY YOU IN THE BACKYARD.
i was sleeping.
YOU WERE ALL PALE AND STILL.
that’s how i look.
WELL, THEN I’M GONNA BE HONEST: THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
AM I HIP YET? AM I? QUICK, SOMEONE GET ME A FRINGEY SCARF AND REPLACE SKUNK WITH LENA DUNHAM.
(Source: zq-tweets)
OH, GREAT. I’M SO GLAD THAT THIS OLD-TIMEY STATE FAIR LOOK HAS HIT THE STREETS. ZACH, WHY DON’T YOU THROW ON YOUR OWN GINGHAM BOW TIE AND LEND YOUR PAL CHRIS A CORNCOB PIPE AND A BANJO SO YOU CAN GO STRUM ON THE TRAIN TRACKS TOGETHER?
i’m not going to do that, noah.
WELL, AT LEAST GO FIND THE BANJO AND HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT FOR A WHILE, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE.
you’re so dramatic.
SUSPENDERS.
(Source: keepstilinski)
I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR SEX TOYS AWAY FROM ME, DAD.
(Source: zq-tweets)
From their first preview! Credit official photog @mrchunkyexpress.
LOOK AT ALL THESE FAWNING GIRLS. I DON’T GET IT. I REALLY DON’T. LADIES, YOU DO REALIZE THAT HE’S BASICALLY A HOBO WHO THEY LET ON A STAGE ONCE IN A WHILE, DON’T YOU?
hey, i got a great review in the new york times, noah.
PFFT, THE NEW YORK TIMES. I PEE ON THE NEW YORK TIMES. LITERALLY. I PEE ON IT.
you’re just mad that i moved you with me to boston.
OH, YOU THINK? I’M FREEZING MY FURRY BUTT OFF IN THIS GODFORSAKEN ARCTIC TUNDRA. CAN’T YOU TAKE AN ACTING JOB IN HONOLULU?
your sacrifice is appreciated.
THREE WORDS: BATHTUB REVENGE POOP.
