Oh, HELL Noah.

A man and his dog, firmly on the edge.
HERE’S A FUN TONY AWARDS PARTY GAME FOR YOU: DOES THIS LOOK SCREAM:
A) “DO YOU THINK THEY NOTICED ME SNEAK IN?”B) “I HAVE A STOLEN TONY IN MY PANTS”C) “HAHA HEY EVERYONE SEE I’M FINE I’M NOT GONNA GO HOME AND CRY INTO MY DOG’S FUR WHILE BINGE-EATING CHEETOS AND PUDDING CUPS NOOOOOPE JUST AN HONOR TO BE NOMINATED AN INVITEE A PERSON”
TRICK QUESTION! THE CORRECT ANSWER IS…
ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND. IT’S C. DEFINITELY C. SOMEONE BE A DEAR AND LOAN ME SOME PAPER TOWELS.

HERE’S A FUN TONY AWARDS PARTY GAME FOR YOU: DOES THIS LOOK SCREAM:

A) “DO YOU THINK THEY NOTICED ME SNEAK IN?”
B) “I HAVE A STOLEN TONY IN MY PANTS”
C) “HAHA HEY EVERYONE SEE I’M FINE I’M NOT GONNA GO HOME AND CRY INTO MY DOG’S FUR WHILE BINGE-EATING CHEETOS AND PUDDING CUPS NOOOOOPE JUST AN HONOR TO BE NOMINATED AN INVITEE A PERSON”

TRICK QUESTION! THE CORRECT ANSWER IS…

ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND. IT’S C. DEFINITELY C. SOMEONE BE A DEAR AND LOAN ME SOME PAPER TOWELS.

YOU DO REALIZE THAT “DERELICTE” IS NOT AN ACTUAL LOOK, RIGHT? THAT ZOOLANDER WAS JUST A MOVIE AND NOT REAL LIFE. RIGHT?
DO YOU? ZACHARY?
WELL, I GUESS IF THE EARTH WON’T DO ME A FAVOR AND SWALLOW YOU ALIVE, A BUNCH OF CLOTHES OUGHT TO GET THE JOB DONE. QUICK, PHOTOGRAPHER, SNAP A PHOTO BEFORE HE DEVOLVES INTO A PILE OF MERINO WOOL, ARMPIT SWEAT, AND REGRET.

YOU DO REALIZE THAT “DERELICTE” IS NOT AN ACTUAL LOOK, RIGHT? THAT ZOOLANDER WAS JUST A MOVIE AND NOT REAL LIFE. RIGHT?

DO YOU? ZACHARY?

WELL, I GUESS IF THE EARTH WON’T DO ME A FAVOR AND SWALLOW YOU ALIVE, A BUNCH OF CLOTHES OUGHT TO GET THE JOB DONE. QUICK, PHOTOGRAPHER, SNAP A PHOTO BEFORE HE DEVOLVES INTO A PILE OF MERINO WOOL, ARMPIT SWEAT, AND REGRET.

zachary quinto + talking to his pets

ACTUALLY I WAS HOPING THE EARTH WOULD OPEN UP AND SWALLOW ME WHOLE BEFORE I DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT FROM BEING FEATURED IN THIS VIDEO WHERE YOU TALK DOWN TO ME LIKE I’M A DOG, BUT THAT SEEMS UNLIKELY SO, YES. PRECISELY. COUGH UP THE PIZZA, MR. I DIDN’T SHOWER FOR SIX WHOLE DAYS IN PERU.

P.S. “PERU” IS CODE FOR “THIS APARTMENT.” AND “SIX DAYS” IS MORE LIKE “TWO YEARS” BUT WHO’S COUNTING.

(Source: bckys)

MISSING: ONE ESPECIALLY BROODY AND EYEBROWY HUMAN.

LAST SEEN WANDERING AROUND MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, LOOKING CONFUSED AND AS IF HE DOESN’T HAVE A DOG AT HOME WAITING TO BE TAKEN OUTSIDE TO POOP. WEARING TOO MUCH HAIR GEL AND A DIFFERENT COAT EVERY FIVE SECONDS BECAUSE LONG STROLLS AROUND THE CITY CALL FOR A THOUSAND COSTUME CHANGES, I GUESS.

IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO NOAH THE DOG. REWARD: I LET YOU WATCH ME SCRATCH HIS EYES OUT.

(Source: mrporter.com, via splintmail)

HEY, THOSE ARE SOME NICE PILLOWS.
I’D BE JEALOUS BUT GROOMED POODLES LIKE THIS ONE ALWAYS GET THE BEST STUFF. I BET HIS NAILS ARE FRESHLY MANICURED, TOO. PAMPERED LITTLE BITCH.

HEY, THOSE ARE SOME NICE PILLOWS.

I’D BE JEALOUS BUT GROOMED POODLES LIKE THIS ONE ALWAYS GET THE BEST STUFF. I BET HIS NAILS ARE FRESHLY MANICURED, TOO. PAMPERED LITTLE BITCH.

(Source: gingerbbatch)

PLEASE LET HIM BACK INSIDE. HE SHAVED A HALF HOUR AGO AND LOOK WHAT’S ALREADY BECOME OF HIM.

(Source: zq-tweets)

ZACH, TAKE IT FROM A DOG:

SHUT YOUR DAMN PIEHOLE.

MAN, THIS IS SO HARDCORE. COULD ANYTHING BE MORE PUNK ROCK THAN PAYING A STYLIST TO ARTFULLY STREAK SOME MANIC PANIC INTO YOUR FAUXHAWK? AND THEN GOING TO A GALA WHERE EVERYONE’S PERSONAL NET WORTH IS OVER FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS?
noah, come on. the theme was punk.
AND YOU NAILED IT, BRO. LOOK AT THAT SNEER. YOU’RE LIKE A SWARTHY BILLY IDOL, MOONLIGHTING AS A CATER-WAITER. ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HEAD BANG OR WILL THAT MESS UP YOUR HAIR? TO ROCK OUT OR NOT TO ROCK OUT? THAT IS THE QUESTION.
okay, okay. i’m not punk rock. we all get it.
WHAT??? AS IF ANYTHING ON EARTH COULD BE MORE PUNK ROCK THAN A WHITE COLLARED SHIRT AND A SILK VEST. IT’S COOL, MAN. I’LL PUT ON MY SPIKED DOG COLLAR, CRANK SOME TUNES, AND WE’LL RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOREVER.
i can’t win.

MAN, THIS IS SO HARDCORE. COULD ANYTHING BE MORE PUNK ROCK THAN PAYING A STYLIST TO ARTFULLY STREAK SOME MANIC PANIC INTO YOUR FAUXHAWK? AND THEN GOING TO A GALA WHERE EVERYONE’S PERSONAL NET WORTH IS OVER FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS?

noah, come on. the theme was punk.

AND YOU NAILED IT, BRO. LOOK AT THAT SNEER. YOU’RE LIKE A SWARTHY BILLY IDOL, MOONLIGHTING AS A CATER-WAITER. ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HEAD BANG OR WILL THAT MESS UP YOUR HAIR? TO ROCK OUT OR NOT TO ROCK OUT? THAT IS THE QUESTION.

okay, okay. i’m not punk rock. we all get it.

WHAT??? AS IF ANYTHING ON EARTH COULD BE MORE PUNK ROCK THAN A WHITE COLLARED SHIRT AND A SILK VEST. IT’S COOL, MAN. I’LL PUT ON MY SPIKED DOG COLLAR, CRANK SOME TUNES, AND WE’LL RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOREVER.

i can’t win.

“rosé colored glasses.” (x)

NOT PICTURED: HIS REAL GLASSES, IN A PILE OF JEALOUSY-LADEN DOG POOP.

(Source: thetendershark)

THIS IS SIZE DISCRIMINATION.
sorry, noah. i’d get you a bigger bag but i don’t think it would meet the carry-on luggage requirements.
ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? YOU’RE NO SPRING CHICKEN YOURSELF. WELL, EXCEPT FOR YOUR HAIR. THAT IS SOME CHICKEN-LIKE HAIR YOU’RE SPORTING THESE DAYS. THE CHICKEN HAS COME HOME TO ROOST.
…were you only complaining in order to insult my hair in a roundabout fashion?
LAY ME AN EGG, CHICKEN LITTLE.

THIS IS SIZE DISCRIMINATION.

sorry, noah. i’d get you a bigger bag but i don’t think it would meet the carry-on luggage requirements.

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? YOU’RE NO SPRING CHICKEN YOURSELF. WELL, EXCEPT FOR YOUR HAIR. THAT IS SOME CHICKEN-LIKE HAIR YOU’RE SPORTING THESE DAYS. THE CHICKEN HAS COME HOME TO ROOST.

…were you only complaining in order to insult my hair in a roundabout fashion?

LAY ME AN EGG, CHICKEN LITTLE.